what if

you can keep your head when all about you
 Are losing theirs and blaming it on you;
If you can trust yourself when all men doubt you,
 But make allowance for their doubting too:
If you can wait and not be tired by waiting,
 Or, being lied about, don't deal in lies,
Or being hated don't give way to hating,
 And yet don't look too good, nor talk too wise;
If you can dream---and not make dreams your master;
 If you can think---and not make thoughts your aim,
If you can meet with Triumph and Disaster
 And treat those two impostors just the same:.
If you can bear to hear the truth you've spoken
 Twisted by knaves to make a trap for fools,
Or watch the things you gave your life to, broken,
 And stoop and build'em up with worn-out tools;
If you can make one heap of all your winnings
 And risk it on one turn of pitch-and-toss,
And lose, and start again at your beginnings,
 And never breathe a word about your loss:
If you can force your heart and nerve and sinew
 To serve your turn long after they are gone,
And so hold on when there is nothing in you
 Except the Will which says to them: "Hold on!"
If you can talk with crowds and keep your virtue,
 Or walk with Kings---nor lose the common touch,
If neither foes nor loving friends can hurt you,
 If all men count with you, but none too much:
If you can fill the unforgiving minute
 With sixty seconds' worth of distance run,
Yours is the Earth and everything that's in it,
 And---which is more---you'll be a Man, my son!

understanding my value

As I lurch from one day and week to the next, extreme thoughts appear. And doubts. Doubts appear. They appear because I have gotten it wrong so many times in the past that I just don’t trust myself to make decisions any more.
What is the difference between taking a chance and being foolish? When does the former become the latter? Should I listen to my heart? My gut? My head? What is each one telling me? How do I know which one is the right one to listen to?
I fear consequences.
On the one hand, I just want to adopt a ‘not giving a fuck’ attitude. If I pretended for a minute that there would be no negative consequences of taking the chance, then I’d take it. Or even if there were negative consequences, that they would not be insurmountable. There would always be a way back. Then I’d take the risk then too.
What will happen if I do this and fail?
 What will happen if I do this and succeed?
 What will happen if I don’t do this and continue to fail?
 What will happen if I don’t do this and succeed?
But when I keep getting things wrong over and over again, how do I trust myself to make the right decision. I don’t want to make a stupid judgement and take a gamble. But I also want to know. I want to know what taking the gamble will be like. Could I live with it if it’s a disaster? Could I? Would I be ashamed? Embarrassed? Or would I just be relieved that now I just know and I can move on.
I just don’t trust myself.
I was sure that the most recent big decision I made was going to be the right one. It felt right. It felt natural. And yet, here I am. Two months down the line and it is already proving to be a mistake.
I am my decisions. I am the chances I take and the consequences of my actions. I feel like I need someone to tell me what to do. To show me the way. Tell me what I have been doing wrong. Enlighten me. Give me some kind of penny-dropping light bulb moment. But I don’t have anybody who can do that.
I can’t keep ending up in the same state after every time I take a punt on something.
I guess I need to look at it this way. With the aforementioned recent decision that has backfired, I need to ask myself the question: Am I still glad I took the chance?
If I am really honest with myself then the answer is yes. And the reason for that is because even though I am arguably in a worse position now than I was before I took that risk, at least I can now close the door on that particular avenue of thought. It was something that I first started thinking about 10 years ago and now I finally have an answer for it. It was not what I had hoped for and not what I thought it would be like.
Interestingly, the decision that stands before me now also first appeared roughly 10 years ago. Perhaps that’s the lesson here. If something sits in the back of your mind for such a long time and it doesn’t materialise then there’s a reason for that – it’s not for you.
On the flip side, isn’t it a bit defeatist and not necessarily logical or wise to be put off just because one 10-year question did not turn out to be the answer I was looking for?
These are the questions and conundrums and dilemmas that I battle with constantly in my head. All the time. And let me tell you something. It is exhausting. And it ends in paralysis. Paralysed by fear and indecision, I do nothing. And when I do finally manage to make a decision about something, I am not rewarded.
So what is the lesson here? Is accepted stagnation worse than trying and failing? Is it?
Take the chance and if I’m left disappointed, face the consequences and console myself with ‘at least now I know’ platitudes?
Or be sensible, grit my teeth, try to scrounge myself out of the current mire and hope I can improve things

FORGOTEN DREAMS

I never thought that we would be apart in this lifetime. I really had hoped for the best of both of us – ending together in front of the altar and making good memories with our own kids.

But before that could happen, it gets ruined by unexpected changes in our lives. It was a painful memory, but now I just have to accept that you’re gone.
I thought losing you was as easy as a-b-c. But I was wrong. You have become a part of me; you are half of my heart; you are definitely my better half in all things.
Losing you was like, losing a leg to walk on to. It was a heavy feeling and I felt like I would want to give up more rather than losing you.
Now, I may have recovered from the pain, but I still miss you sometimes. The way you smile, the way you look at me with your beautiful eyes, your soft voice when you say “goodnight” – everything about you is something that I miss and would cherish forever.
What’s more painful is that it is not only the good memories that you’ve left me behind that’s stopping me from moving on. I guess my heart is still with you. I can’t seem to find another person whom I can love like how I loved you. And it hurts because I know I can never be with you again.
Maybe for now, I would just let myself heal through time. I do not know where you are now or what you’re going through. I would just like to let you know that you are special to me and forever will be special here in my heart.

miss you

When you lose that one you love, something inside snaps and it hurts so, so much, you feel emptiness surround you and you don't know what to do, something that felt so good isn't there anymore and you want to do all you can to get it back but you don't know how, you start to loose your senses and your mind changes.
Everything that looked so precious seems so worthless, all the beauty in the world is where you can't see it, you get angry but you don't know what to do and you start to run, you run away from all the things you know, trying to let go of something that you only want more and more with each try you do to let it go.
What if the insanity that is raging inside my head of missing you brings this situation: In my left hand I got some pills, I take one and I forget everything about us, but in my right hand I got a loaded gun, which of the two objects should I use? I know the answer, do you?
Just know one thing...
I'd Love To Miss You In The Morning, If I'd See You Again In The Evening.

DO YOU KNOW ME

Do you know a life of loneliness and one filled with pain,
 living a life with nothing to gain,
 Surrounded by darkness, overwhelmed with shame.
 A life without peace with no one to blame.
 Do you know of a place unseen,
 A place that holds only shattered dreams,
 A place filled with sorrow with no end in sight,
 I am given this gift each and every night.
 Do you know of a place so cold,
 This is the place I call my soul,
 A place without hope or comforting dreams,
 A life not worth living wouldn't it seem.
 Do you know of a life that should have never been,
 And the feeling that today this life has to end.
 One more day of sadness is much too hard to bear,
 I am tired of living a life of heartache and despair.
 Do you know a person with so much pain inside,
 Or the feeling of loneliness when no one hears your cries,
 Maybe when the tears are gone and I can clearly see,
 The only question left will be...
 DO YOU KNOW ME

my best friend,,my love

My dear CHEP
 It is not a little thing, for centuries we have been talking about it. Or tried, at least. It is the favorite theme in poetry. No one gets tired of it. Love, as it is, always love.
 It's strong. More than just “strong”. Love is indestructible. When it's real, it is indestructible. Love makes us suffer. Nothing in the world brings so much pain as love. It can be tough, cruel. It can tear us apart. It can be the biggest villain of a story. It can be the purest and the hardest pain ever.
 But still, it’s love. And endless or not, it's the most unbelievable thing in human existence.
 I have tried so many times to explain how much I love you. I always end up crying. Perhaps it is because what I feel for you is too big, even for me, to understand. There is no simple or easy way. But loving you has always been natural. Since I met you, I believe that everyone possesses a love that rests within them. A love that sleeps quietly during our childhood years, in anticipation to bloom for that one person. I never realized that I had begun to love you. I realized that I always had.
 You have not just showed me how to love, but also what it means to be loved. You have taught me how to be your other half and still be my own whole. And still, it is impossible for me to explain something as complex as my love for you. Words, are simply not enough.
 This summer it will be four years since our paths brought us together. The time has passed so fast. We often laugh about the fact that we practically grew up together. From one to another (do you remember that?). It is true, though. We did grow up together. And I feel that, somewhere on the road, we grew into each other. Today, I can't tell where your body starts or where mine ends.
 My person. My best friend. My love. Look at me. I have fallen like a complete fool for you. The passion is not gone. It's only softer and calmer now. It has gone into our blood and become a part of who we are. And hey, don't bother worrying about the future. You'll do just fine. I got your back.
 With all the love I possess.

LOVE IS BLIND

LOVE IS BLIND

dreams that faded

We had that all consuming, passionate, fiery type relationship. And I don't regret it for one minute. You made me feel so warm and safe. It was so fun to be just with you. We were obsessed with one another. Completely and utterly in love. I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
 For over 2 years I questioned, cried, analysed and searched for what went wrong. I missed you and I knew you missed me too. That was possibly the worst thing. Why, when two people love each other, can they not 'just be' together?
 I could write forever about us but it just brings back the pain. Here's something I wrote after we met for the first time after a over a year of being apart...

 'T,
 It was like we met all over again. It as the most magical night of my life. And I'm not sure life will ever live up to those moments. It was one of those nights you wish you could pause and relive forever. Time did not exist.
 Broken over a year, no physical contact, the worst of friends, lovers that never stopped loving.
 We talked as if we knew each other a lifetime, as if nothing had happened. Smiled, laughed, I loved your smile. Those dimples. Your face was so beautiful I just wanted to cry. I love those eyes, even though they show pain.
 We went to the beach, the first time we actually got out, instead of just making love in the car. You came around to me. Stood in front of me. We both felt it. The intensity. So many emotions all at once, I wanted to burst. It was so strong, I'd never felt anything as magical as that before. "Well this is intense," you laughed.
 You apologized for hurting me, and I too. Our differences and past hurts were demolished so easily. Something that caused so much pain had just disappeared in the blink of an eye. No fighting, no yelling, no anger. Just simple truth. That's how I'd describe that night in one word - truth.
 You kissed me, well I kissed you back I guess. All this time I was afraid, afraid that this feeling would not be there as much as I wanted it to. But it was there. Stronger than ever. I didn't want it to end, but I pulled away. My head said stop. We hugged for a while, I love your hugs. A hug that says I missed you, I need you, I'm sorry. I still love you? I'm not sure what it meant to you but it was everything to me.
 We stood and listened to the waves as you told me how you had learned a lot about yourself, "I don't think we should go back there... it wasn't working with her and I thought about you the past few weeks... what if we end up falling in love again?"
 I said nothing, I was feeling so much at once . What did all of this mean? We kissed again under the moon. Maybe your words meant confusion? But the kiss was something, a feeling that came back or just never went away.
 You told me your deepest fears and secrets. You had never opened up that much before. We stood looking at the stars and the sea. Facing each other. Just us, alone, no judgement, just truth. We both knew what we were feeling and It scared us.
 I knew the night had to end but prolonged it as much as possible. It was perfection in all its imperfections. I knew something was going to change from that moment on. And it terrified me. This unknown future.
 You drove me back to my cousin's. Hugged, and explained how we were glad to be back in each other's lives. "Don't be a stranger" you said. We left our love for now. Maybe I understand you're not ready yet. I will wait.
 As time passed I drove myself insane with this new 'friendship' we had. Feelings were never shared, nothing was discussed we just enjoyed each other's time and company. I finally plucked up the courage to tell you how I felt and you explained how you're just not ready. But is there ever a right time? I can never forget those last words you said when we ended, "I wish I met you in a few years."
 I believe in the now, in acting on your emotions, in expressing your love and never holding back. I guess it's just something you're not used to. You have so many future hopes and dreams that you forget about the now. I cant force you to see what I see and feel what I feel. I've come to terms with this. I've come to terms with myself. But this relationship is something I cant seem to understand?
 I decided to let you go some time ago. I thought it would be the hardest thing to do. But it wasn't. It just made me realise how strong these feelings were. It made me realise that when you truly love someone, you can be without them and love them from afar, and that's what I've done. There's this invisible web that will forever connect us, despite ever really being together. I never owned you, so I never really lost you.
 Quite frankly I'm drained and tired of this story. I haven't seen you for some time now. But I know when I do, this love I have will come floating to the surface once more, as it always does.
 True love never disappears, it just gets buried away sometimes by life.
 You're forever in my heart

i lost her

I fell in love with THE girl. And I still am. And I admit it. I screwed up. Not just once, but multiple times and I was lucky enough to have someone who stood by those mistakes no matter how thick or thin they were. But I took it for granted and didn't realize, at all, just how fortunate I was to have someone like that.
 I went away for a bit and wasn't sure exactly when I would return. We tried to stay in touch but she slowly faded away from me. I figured she found someone else to talk to. Someone who could be there for her because I couldn't and because I couldn't trust myself to love her. I was ok with it because I want her to finally be happy and I heard that she was so I was content. I tried to get back into the dating scene myself but I couldn't find myself to be attracted to any other girl because I was always comparing them to THE girl. She became the gold standard, the shining example, the golden goose of what I want. Nothing more and nothing less than what she is. It was then that I became conscious of how much I truly love THE girl and wouldn't want anything else but her again.
 Months passed by but there was a numbness to my aching love for her. Then one day, unexpectedly, I get a text message saying "I miss you..." from THE girl. And BAM. That's all it took and every pain and ache that one can feel from love came spilling over me like a tsunami...times 20. The message lit up my world with hope that you can be mine again. It turns out that the guy she was seeing hurt her the same way I did. I didn't care what I was to her during that time of her pain. I only saw that she needed me emotionally. We reconnected again and it felt marvelous. It was like we had picked up where we had just left off. Sure we only spoke through phone calls and FaceTime calls but it didn't matter to me. I wanted THE girl to be mine again. Somewhere along the way, the calls stopped coming and we got disconnected. But I knew I had to do all I can to get her back.
 Soon after, I came back home for good. Outside of my family, she was the first face I saw and I wanted her to know special she are to me by doing that. I thought I could be with her again but thought wrong. It turns out that he's fighting for her too. I came home too late and I'm fighting an unfair fight. But I can almost see my biggest fear of losing THE girl happening in front of my eyes. She knows how I feel and they've been expressed in so many different ways. I did all I could. Said almost all that could be said. And now I painfully try to wait patiently as she makes her decision on who she wants to be with.
 I love her. And as painful as it is, if it came down to it, I think I've accepted the loss. More than wanting her, I want her to be happy because that's what love is suppose to be, right? If THE girl, is happy with the other guy, then so be it. But I don't think it will stop me from trying. I want THE girl to become MY girl and I miss her like crazy.

i will always

have always loved you, and you know that.
 Ever since I was fifteen years old, when we laid under the trees, learning and growing in love.
 I have tried to let you go and find someone that moves me more than you, but no one can beat the way you make me feel. Being around you lifts me up - not only do I feel fifteen again, but you make me feel like I couldn’t be anyone better but the person I am when I am with you.
 You live there, and I live here, which is why it has never worked.
 I would have followed you always, and you knew that, but only now are you telling me you want me to. I am scared.
 I’m scared of how much I love you, I am scared that you aren’t the person I am in love with, I am scared you don’t love me as much as I love you, I am scared you are going to hurt me again, and I am scared of what it means to be trying with you.
 I wish we could go back under the trees when we were fifteen, I wish life wasn’t complicated, I wish we could fall into sweet, all-consuming love and I wouldn’t be scared of the past nine years and how much you can move me.
 You are heaven - I see my whole life with you.
 But are you simply a fantasy? Maybe that’s why I am scared.

I STILL WANT YOU BACK

yesterday is gone tomorrow is a mystery for me life seems unbearable and hard to understand everything to me is the same as i sit here in the cold winter night my heart is bleeding with pain thinking that you are not here close to me my soul is empty without you by my side do you remember the promises we made to each other the strong feelings we had the love we cherished so much i wonder where it had disappeared to though sometime i feel broken inside knowing that you are not here with me that u have disappeared where are you my love why did you just go without any explanation as to why you run away did you know that you would break my heart maybe i made a mistake giving you all my love and being left with nothing to make me smile and remove this sadness that is killing me day night because of your absence i know we had some problems that we swore it would never break us a part that we would always endure any kind of situation that may come on our way whether bad or worse bad why did you gave up so easily why did you let your emotion break you away from i thought you were a strong person who was ready to endure anything that may come on his way why didn't just listen to me anyway ma love i just want to apologize if i was the course of all this problems if never gave you a chance to love me more if maybe i was never there for you if you are reading this know that you are still in my soul a special place that i made for you only that i would wish one day you come back to me and let our love be given a second chance

THE PAST LIFE

sitting alone in the cold winter night..... life to me is the same, the painful memories that haunt me day and night tearing through my soul like two double edge sword sometimes memories are to painful to remember especially if your past was damn mistakes that overwhelmed it.... it makes your heart bleed knowing that your will never go back and correct everything that you did while you were still young...... it gives constant nightmares and sleepless nights.. u keep on thinking how u are going to change your life from worst to better and erase every bad situation that happened in your past life... every stupid mistake you made while you were still naive and a toddler to reason well... but for me i see that is part of life and we have to go through it no matter whether we like it or not.... because if never made mistake or did something wrong in our past then we don't have anyt5hing to talk about at all and also we have to realize that this mistakes are a lesson we must learn through out our constant life. so that we can never allow it to haunt or follow us in the feature

WHAT AND WHY

what about the killing fields what about the hunger stricken nations what about the promises you made for us that the world will always remain united what about the hatred among our brothers and sisters what about the paradise earth that is being destroyed everyday what about the war that is waging between the nations what about our brothers who left us unexpectedly ..... then where is the love that was strong among the people that we cherished so much why are people dying without mercy yet we are suppose to have peace why is there tribalism in the countries of the worl why do common people sleep without food yet there we have enough food to feed them why do the rich oppress the poor yet the wealth they have was build by the poor but why am i asking this questions yet we can see the reality

LETTER TO MAMA

life is so cold and lonely without you mama why did you depart so soon like that why did you leave us with tears in our eyes life to me is worthless without you........ i know you are some where safe with the lord where there is no pain pain or suffering where there is no sickness to kill you but please mama dont forget about us there.. please prepare a place for us to come and stay with you someday i wont forget your teachings.. your corrections... your blessings some we could not realise until you were gone you left something so important in us.... something that is so priceless something that is sooo unique to us you left LOVE,UNITY, among us.... and through that i promise you mama that we will always remain united and strong through the difficult journey we are going to face without you by our side because you taught us to be strong and always bealive in the LORD no matter the obstacles in our way... no matter the pain that will come while on this tire less journey when you left us mama on that sad evening.. i cried and swore that my life would never be the same again but i saw you sleeping peacefully and smiling thats when i realise that you are happy where you have gone peace came inside me and i felt your presense close to me, comforting my soul and wiping every tear that i shade yes mama sometimes i feel gulty for not doing enough to made sure that you were taken to the best hospital in the world i felt guilty that i didnt have money to do that for you mama.. am sorry i was surprise mama that everyone who run away while you were sick all of them came back when they had that you were dead... just imagine mama.. this world is full of crazy happening mama.... even they were willing to raise alot of money just to send you away peacefully.... but they could not even raise one shilling to take you to hospital but mama i forgive them for what they did only GOD will judge them cause that is what you taught me mama. to forgive my enemies and those who have done me wrong mama while you are reading this letter remember that we miss you so much everyday and if we had the power to bring you back mama.. i swear i would have done that long time ago but we have no choice but to except GODS plans.... because his plans are the best dont forget mama to say hi to GOD and tell him that we love him so much and we cant wait to come to heaven and see him bye mama

LOVE

do we really need love in our day to day life? but why yet we are not serious about it everyday,, we simply joke about it as if it has no value at all.. love was created for a greater purpose....it is a gift that can never be bought by any price at all. because its value can not be measured by any wealth or treasure in our world today. many people have suffered alot because of love they have travelled in every corner of this world serching for its  beauty,yet it is just infront of us staring at us. love has brought together lost friends. tighten the two couples in a very strong way that no one can break their love. let us stop and r4ealise that we need love in our life.