As I lurch from one day and week to the next, extreme thoughts appear. And doubts. Doubts appear. They appear because I have gotten it wrong so many times in the past that I just don’t trust myself to make decisions any more.
What is the difference between taking a chance and being foolish? When does the former become the latter? Should I listen to my heart? My gut? My head? What is each one telling me? How do I know which one is the right one to listen to?
I fear consequences.
On the one hand, I just want to adopt a ‘not giving a fuck’ attitude. If I pretended for a minute that there would be no negative consequences of taking the chance, then I’d take it. Or even if there were negative consequences, that they would not be insurmountable. There would always be a way back. Then I’d take the risk then too.
What will happen if I do this and fail?
What will happen if I do this and succeed?
What will happen if I don’t do this and continue to fail?
What will happen if I don’t do this and succeed?
But when I keep getting things wrong over and over again, how do I trust myself to make the right decision. I don’t want to make a stupid judgement and take a gamble. But I also want to know. I want to know what taking the gamble will be like. Could I live with it if it’s a disaster? Could I? Would I be ashamed? Embarrassed? Or would I just be relieved that now I just know and I can move on.
I just don’t trust myself.
I was sure that the most recent big decision I made was going to be the right one. It felt right. It felt natural. And yet, here I am. Two months down the line and it is already proving to be a mistake.
I am my decisions. I am the chances I take and the consequences of my actions. I feel like I need someone to tell me what to do. To show me the way. Tell me what I have been doing wrong. Enlighten me. Give me some kind of penny-dropping light bulb moment. But I don’t have anybody who can do that.
I can’t keep ending up in the same state after every time I take a punt on something.
I guess I need to look at it this way. With the aforementioned recent decision that has backfired, I need to ask myself the question: Am I still glad I took the chance?
If I am really honest with myself then the answer is yes. And the reason for that is because even though I am arguably in a worse position now than I was before I took that risk, at least I can now close the door on that particular avenue of thought. It was something that I first started thinking about 10 years ago and now I finally have an answer for it. It was not what I had hoped for and not what I thought it would be like.
Interestingly, the decision that stands before me now also first appeared roughly 10 years ago. Perhaps that’s the lesson here. If something sits in the back of your mind for such a long time and it doesn’t materialise then there’s a reason for that – it’s not for you.
On the flip side, isn’t it a bit defeatist and not necessarily logical or wise to be put off just because one 10-year question did not turn out to be the answer I was looking for?
These are the questions and conundrums and dilemmas that I battle with constantly in my head. All the time. And let me tell you something. It is exhausting. And it ends in paralysis. Paralysed by fear and indecision, I do nothing. And when I do finally manage to make a decision about something, I am not rewarded.
So what is the lesson here? Is accepted stagnation worse than trying and failing? Is it?
Take the chance and if I’m left disappointed, face the consequences and console myself with ‘at least now I know’ platitudes?
Or be sensible, grit my teeth, try to scrounge myself out of the current mire and hope I can improve things
What is the difference between taking a chance and being foolish? When does the former become the latter? Should I listen to my heart? My gut? My head? What is each one telling me? How do I know which one is the right one to listen to?
I fear consequences.
On the one hand, I just want to adopt a ‘not giving a fuck’ attitude. If I pretended for a minute that there would be no negative consequences of taking the chance, then I’d take it. Or even if there were negative consequences, that they would not be insurmountable. There would always be a way back. Then I’d take the risk then too.
What will happen if I do this and fail?
What will happen if I do this and succeed?
What will happen if I don’t do this and continue to fail?
What will happen if I don’t do this and succeed?
But when I keep getting things wrong over and over again, how do I trust myself to make the right decision. I don’t want to make a stupid judgement and take a gamble. But I also want to know. I want to know what taking the gamble will be like. Could I live with it if it’s a disaster? Could I? Would I be ashamed? Embarrassed? Or would I just be relieved that now I just know and I can move on.
I just don’t trust myself.
I was sure that the most recent big decision I made was going to be the right one. It felt right. It felt natural. And yet, here I am. Two months down the line and it is already proving to be a mistake.
I am my decisions. I am the chances I take and the consequences of my actions. I feel like I need someone to tell me what to do. To show me the way. Tell me what I have been doing wrong. Enlighten me. Give me some kind of penny-dropping light bulb moment. But I don’t have anybody who can do that.
I can’t keep ending up in the same state after every time I take a punt on something.
I guess I need to look at it this way. With the aforementioned recent decision that has backfired, I need to ask myself the question: Am I still glad I took the chance?
If I am really honest with myself then the answer is yes. And the reason for that is because even though I am arguably in a worse position now than I was before I took that risk, at least I can now close the door on that particular avenue of thought. It was something that I first started thinking about 10 years ago and now I finally have an answer for it. It was not what I had hoped for and not what I thought it would be like.
Interestingly, the decision that stands before me now also first appeared roughly 10 years ago. Perhaps that’s the lesson here. If something sits in the back of your mind for such a long time and it doesn’t materialise then there’s a reason for that – it’s not for you.
On the flip side, isn’t it a bit defeatist and not necessarily logical or wise to be put off just because one 10-year question did not turn out to be the answer I was looking for?
These are the questions and conundrums and dilemmas that I battle with constantly in my head. All the time. And let me tell you something. It is exhausting. And it ends in paralysis. Paralysed by fear and indecision, I do nothing. And when I do finally manage to make a decision about something, I am not rewarded.
So what is the lesson here? Is accepted stagnation worse than trying and failing? Is it?
Take the chance and if I’m left disappointed, face the consequences and console myself with ‘at least now I know’ platitudes?
Or be sensible, grit my teeth, try to scrounge myself out of the current mire and hope I can improve things
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