Saturday, 23 December 2017


I never thought that we would be apart in this lifetime. I really had hoped for the best of both of us – ending together in front of the altar and making good memories with our own kids.
But before that could happen, it gets ruined by unexpected changes in our lives. It was a painful memory, but now I just have to accept that you’re gone.
I thought losing you was as easy as a-b-c. But I was wrong. You have become a part of me; you are half of my heart; you are definitely my better half in all things.
Losing you was like, losing a leg to walk on to. It was a heavy feeling and I felt like I would want to give up more rather than losing you.
Now, I may have recovered from the pain, but I still miss you sometimes. The way you smile, the way you look at me with your beautiful eyes, your soft voice when you say “goodnight” – everything about you is something that I miss and would cherish forever.
What’s more painful is that it is not only the good memories that you’ve left me behind that’s stopping me from moving on. I guess my heart is still with you. I can’t seem to find another person whom I can love like how I loved you. And it hurts because I know I can never be with you again.
Maybe for now, I would just let myself heal through time. I do not know where you are now or what you’re going through. I would just like to let you know that you are special to me and forever will be special here in my heart.

Monday, 20 November 2017

miss you

When you lose that one you love, something inside snaps and it hurts so, so much, you feel emptiness surround you and you don't know what to do, something that felt so good isn't there anymore and you want to do all you can to get it back but you don't know how, you start to loose your senses and your mind changes.
Everything that looked so precious seems so worthless, all the beauty in the world is where you can't see it, you get angry but you don't know what to do and you start to run, you run away from all the things you know, trying to let go of something that you only want more and more with each try you do to let it go.
What if the insanity that is raging inside my head of missing you brings this situation: In my left hand I got some pills, I take one and I forget everything about us, but in my right hand I got a loaded gun, which of the two objects should I use? I know the answer, do you?
Just know one thing...
I'd Love To Miss You In The Morning, If I'd See You Again In The Evening.

Wednesday, 8 November 2017


Do you know a life of loneliness and one filled with pain,
 living a life with nothing to gain,
 Surrounded by darkness, overwhelmed with shame.
 A life without peace with no one to blame.
 Do you know of a place unseen,
 A place that holds only shattered dreams,
 A place filled with sorrow with no end in sight,
 I am given this gift each and every night.
 Do you know of a place so cold,
 This is the place I call my soul,
 A place without hope or comforting dreams,
 A life not worth living wouldn't it seem.
 Do you know of a life that should have never been,
 And the feeling that today this life has to end.
 One more day of sadness is much too hard to bear,
 I am tired of living a life of heartache and despair.
 Do you know a person with so much pain inside,
 Or the feeling of loneliness when no one hears your cries,
 Maybe when the tears are gone and I can clearly see,
 The only question left will be...

Tuesday, 7 November 2017

my best friend,,my love

My dear CHEP
 It is not a little thing, for centuries we have been talking about it. Or tried, at least. It is the favorite theme in poetry. No one gets tired of it. Love, as it is, always love.
 It's strong. More than just “strong”. Love is indestructible. When it's real, it is indestructible. Love makes us suffer. Nothing in the world brings so much pain as love. It can be tough, cruel. It can tear us apart. It can be the biggest villain of a story. It can be the purest and the hardest pain ever.
 But still, it’s love. And endless or not, it's the most unbelievable thing in human existence.
 I have tried so many times to explain how much I love you. I always end up crying. Perhaps it is because what I feel for you is too big, even for me, to understand. There is no simple or easy way. But loving you has always been natural. Since I met you, I believe that everyone possesses a love that rests within them. A love that sleeps quietly during our childhood years, in anticipation to bloom for that one person. I never realized that I had begun to love you. I realized that I always had.
 You have not just showed me how to love, but also what it means to be loved. You have taught me how to be your other half and still be my own whole. And still, it is impossible for me to explain something as complex as my love for you. Words, are simply not enough.
 This summer it will be four years since our paths brought us together. The time has passed so fast. We often laugh about the fact that we practically grew up together. From one to another (do you remember that?). It is true, though. We did grow up together. And I feel that, somewhere on the road, we grew into each other. Today, I can't tell where your body starts or where mine ends.
 My person. My best friend. My love. Look at me. I have fallen like a complete fool for you. The passion is not gone. It's only softer and calmer now. It has gone into our blood and become a part of who we are. And hey, don't bother worrying about the future. You'll do just fine. I got your back.
 With all the love I possess.



Tuesday, 31 October 2017

dreams that faded

We had that all consuming, passionate, fiery type relationship. And I don't regret it for one minute. You made me feel so warm and safe. It was so fun to be just with you. We were obsessed with one another. Completely and utterly in love. I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
 For over 2 years I questioned, cried, analysed and searched for what went wrong. I missed you and I knew you missed me too. That was possibly the worst thing. Why, when two people love each other, can they not 'just be' together?
 I could write forever about us but it just brings back the pain. Here's something I wrote after we met for the first time after a over a year of being apart...

 It was like we met all over again. It as the most magical night of my life. And I'm not sure life will ever live up to those moments. It was one of those nights you wish you could pause and relive forever. Time did not exist.
 Broken over a year, no physical contact, the worst of friends, lovers that never stopped loving.
 We talked as if we knew each other a lifetime, as if nothing had happened. Smiled, laughed, I loved your smile. Those dimples. Your face was so beautiful I just wanted to cry. I love those eyes, even though they show pain.
 We went to the beach, the first time we actually got out, instead of just making love in the car. You came around to me. Stood in front of me. We both felt it. The intensity. So many emotions all at once, I wanted to burst. It was so strong, I'd never felt anything as magical as that before. "Well this is intense," you laughed.
 You apologized for hurting me, and I too. Our differences and past hurts were demolished so easily. Something that caused so much pain had just disappeared in the blink of an eye. No fighting, no yelling, no anger. Just simple truth. That's how I'd describe that night in one word - truth.
 You kissed me, well I kissed you back I guess. All this time I was afraid, afraid that this feeling would not be there as much as I wanted it to. But it was there. Stronger than ever. I didn't want it to end, but I pulled away. My head said stop. We hugged for a while, I love your hugs. A hug that says I missed you, I need you, I'm sorry. I still love you? I'm not sure what it meant to you but it was everything to me.
 We stood and listened to the waves as you told me how you had learned a lot about yourself, "I don't think we should go back there... it wasn't working with her and I thought about you the past few weeks... what if we end up falling in love again?"
 I said nothing, I was feeling so much at once . What did all of this mean? We kissed again under the moon. Maybe your words meant confusion? But the kiss was something, a feeling that came back or just never went away.
 You told me your deepest fears and secrets. You had never opened up that much before. We stood looking at the stars and the sea. Facing each other. Just us, alone, no judgement, just truth. We both knew what we were feeling and It scared us.
 I knew the night had to end but prolonged it as much as possible. It was perfection in all its imperfections. I knew something was going to change from that moment on. And it terrified me. This unknown future.
 You drove me back to my cousin's. Hugged, and explained how we were glad to be back in each other's lives. "Don't be a stranger" you said. We left our love for now. Maybe I understand you're not ready yet. I will wait.
 As time passed I drove myself insane with this new 'friendship' we had. Feelings were never shared, nothing was discussed we just enjoyed each other's time and company. I finally plucked up the courage to tell you how I felt and you explained how you're just not ready. But is there ever a right time? I can never forget those last words you said when we ended, "I wish I met you in a few years."
 I believe in the now, in acting on your emotions, in expressing your love and never holding back. I guess it's just something you're not used to. You have so many future hopes and dreams that you forget about the now. I cant force you to see what I see and feel what I feel. I've come to terms with this. I've come to terms with myself. But this relationship is something I cant seem to understand?
 I decided to let you go some time ago. I thought it would be the hardest thing to do. But it wasn't. It just made me realise how strong these feelings were. It made me realise that when you truly love someone, you can be without them and love them from afar, and that's what I've done. There's this invisible web that will forever connect us, despite ever really being together. I never owned you, so I never really lost you.
 Quite frankly I'm drained and tired of this story. I haven't seen you for some time now. But I know when I do, this love I have will come floating to the surface once more, as it always does.
 True love never disappears, it just gets buried away sometimes by life.
 You're forever in my heart

i lost her

I fell in love with THE girl. And I still am. And I admit it. I screwed up. Not just once, but multiple times and I was lucky enough to have someone who stood by those mistakes no matter how thick or thin they were. But I took it for granted and didn't realize, at all, just how fortunate I was to have someone like that.
 I went away for a bit and wasn't sure exactly when I would return. We tried to stay in touch but she slowly faded away from me. I figured she found someone else to talk to. Someone who could be there for her because I couldn't and because I couldn't trust myself to love her. I was ok with it because I want her to finally be happy and I heard that she was so I was content. I tried to get back into the dating scene myself but I couldn't find myself to be attracted to any other girl because I was always comparing them to THE girl. She became the gold standard, the shining example, the golden goose of what I want. Nothing more and nothing less than what she is. It was then that I became conscious of how much I truly love THE girl and wouldn't want anything else but her again.
 Months passed by but there was a numbness to my aching love for her. Then one day, unexpectedly, I get a text message saying "I miss you..." from THE girl. And BAM. That's all it took and every pain and ache that one can feel from love came spilling over me like a tsunami...times 20. The message lit up my world with hope that you can be mine again. It turns out that the guy she was seeing hurt her the same way I did. I didn't care what I was to her during that time of her pain. I only saw that she needed me emotionally. We reconnected again and it felt marvelous. It was like we had picked up where we had just left off. Sure we only spoke through phone calls and FaceTime calls but it didn't matter to me. I wanted THE girl to be mine again. Somewhere along the way, the calls stopped coming and we got disconnected. But I knew I had to do all I can to get her back.
 Soon after, I came back home for good. Outside of my family, she was the first face I saw and I wanted her to know special she are to me by doing that. I thought I could be with her again but thought wrong. It turns out that he's fighting for her too. I came home too late and I'm fighting an unfair fight. But I can almost see my biggest fear of losing THE girl happening in front of my eyes. She knows how I feel and they've been expressed in so many different ways. I did all I could. Said almost all that could be said. And now I painfully try to wait patiently as she makes her decision on who she wants to be with.
 I love her. And as painful as it is, if it came down to it, I think I've accepted the loss. More than wanting her, I want her to be happy because that's what love is suppose to be, right? If THE girl, is happy with the other guy, then so be it. But I don't think it will stop me from trying. I want THE girl to become MY girl and I miss her like crazy.


I never thought that we would be apart in this lifetime. I really had hoped for the best of both of us – ending together in front of the ...