Saturday, 5 May 2018

what if

you can keep your head when all about you
 Are losing theirs and blaming it on you;
If you can trust yourself when all men doubt you,
 But make allowance for their doubting too:
If you can wait and not be tired by waiting,
 Or, being lied about, don't deal in lies,
Or being hated don't give way to hating,
 And yet don't look too good, nor talk too wise;
If you can dream---and not make dreams your master;
 If you can think---and not make thoughts your aim,
If you can meet with Triumph and Disaster
 And treat those two impostors just the same:.
If you can bear to hear the truth you've spoken
 Twisted by knaves to make a trap for fools,
Or watch the things you gave your life to, broken,
 And stoop and build'em up with worn-out tools;
If you can make one heap of all your winnings
 And risk it on one turn of pitch-and-toss,
And lose, and start again at your beginnings,
 And never breathe a word about your loss:
If you can force your heart and nerve and sinew
 To serve your turn long after they are gone,
And so hold on when there is nothing in you
 Except the Will which says to them: "Hold on!"
If you can talk with crowds and keep your virtue,
 Or walk with Kings---nor lose the common touch,
If neither foes nor loving friends can hurt you,
 If all men count with you, but none too much:
If you can fill the unforgiving minute
 With sixty seconds' worth of distance run,
Yours is the Earth and everything that's in it,
 And---which is more---you'll be a Man, my son!

understanding my value

As I lurch from one day and week to the next, extreme thoughts appear. And doubts. Doubts appear. They appear because I have gotten it wrong so many times in the past that I just don’t trust myself to make decisions any more.
What is the difference between taking a chance and being foolish? When does the former become the latter? Should I listen to my heart? My gut? My head? What is each one telling me? How do I know which one is the right one to listen to?
I fear consequences.
On the one hand, I just want to adopt a ‘not giving a fuck’ attitude. If I pretended for a minute that there would be no negative consequences of taking the chance, then I’d take it. Or even if there were negative consequences, that they would not be insurmountable. There would always be a way back. Then I’d take the risk then too.
What will happen if I do this and fail?
 What will happen if I do this and succeed?
 What will happen if I don’t do this and continue to fail?
 What will happen if I don’t do this and succeed?
But when I keep getting things wrong over and over again, how do I trust myself to make the right decision. I don’t want to make a stupid judgement and take a gamble. But I also want to know. I want to know what taking the gamble will be like. Could I live with it if it’s a disaster? Could I? Would I be ashamed? Embarrassed? Or would I just be relieved that now I just know and I can move on.
I just don’t trust myself.
I was sure that the most recent big decision I made was going to be the right one. It felt right. It felt natural. And yet, here I am. Two months down the line and it is already proving to be a mistake.
I am my decisions. I am the chances I take and the consequences of my actions. I feel like I need someone to tell me what to do. To show me the way. Tell me what I have been doing wrong. Enlighten me. Give me some kind of penny-dropping light bulb moment. But I don’t have anybody who can do that.
I can’t keep ending up in the same state after every time I take a punt on something.
I guess I need to look at it this way. With the aforementioned recent decision that has backfired, I need to ask myself the question: Am I still glad I took the chance?
If I am really honest with myself then the answer is yes. And the reason for that is because even though I am arguably in a worse position now than I was before I took that risk, at least I can now close the door on that particular avenue of thought. It was something that I first started thinking about 10 years ago and now I finally have an answer for it. It was not what I had hoped for and not what I thought it would be like.
Interestingly, the decision that stands before me now also first appeared roughly 10 years ago. Perhaps that’s the lesson here. If something sits in the back of your mind for such a long time and it doesn’t materialise then there’s a reason for that – it’s not for you.
On the flip side, isn’t it a bit defeatist and not necessarily logical or wise to be put off just because one 10-year question did not turn out to be the answer I was looking for?
These are the questions and conundrums and dilemmas that I battle with constantly in my head. All the time. And let me tell you something. It is exhausting. And it ends in paralysis. Paralysed by fear and indecision, I do nothing. And when I do finally manage to make a decision about something, I am not rewarded.
So what is the lesson here? Is accepted stagnation worse than trying and failing? Is it?
Take the chance and if I’m left disappointed, face the consequences and console myself with ‘at least now I know’ platitudes?
Or be sensible, grit my teeth, try to scrounge myself out of the current mire and hope I can improve things

Saturday, 23 December 2017


I never thought that we would be apart in this lifetime. I really had hoped for the best of both of us – ending together in front of the altar and making good memories with our own kids.
But before that could happen, it gets ruined by unexpected changes in our lives. It was a painful memory, but now I just have to accept that you’re gone.
I thought losing you was as easy as a-b-c. But I was wrong. You have become a part of me; you are half of my heart; you are definitely my better half in all things.
Losing you was like, losing a leg to walk on to. It was a heavy feeling and I felt like I would want to give up more rather than losing you.
Now, I may have recovered from the pain, but I still miss you sometimes. The way you smile, the way you look at me with your beautiful eyes, your soft voice when you say “goodnight” – everything about you is something that I miss and would cherish forever.
What’s more painful is that it is not only the good memories that you’ve left me behind that’s stopping me from moving on. I guess my heart is still with you. I can’t seem to find another person whom I can love like how I loved you. And it hurts because I know I can never be with you again.
Maybe for now, I would just let myself heal through time. I do not know where you are now or what you’re going through. I would just like to let you know that you are special to me and forever will be special here in my heart.

Monday, 20 November 2017

miss you

When you lose that one you love, something inside snaps and it hurts so, so much, you feel emptiness surround you and you don't know what to do, something that felt so good isn't there anymore and you want to do all you can to get it back but you don't know how, you start to loose your senses and your mind changes.
Everything that looked so precious seems so worthless, all the beauty in the world is where you can't see it, you get angry but you don't know what to do and you start to run, you run away from all the things you know, trying to let go of something that you only want more and more with each try you do to let it go.
What if the insanity that is raging inside my head of missing you brings this situation: In my left hand I got some pills, I take one and I forget everything about us, but in my right hand I got a loaded gun, which of the two objects should I use? I know the answer, do you?
Just know one thing...
I'd Love To Miss You In The Morning, If I'd See You Again In The Evening.

Wednesday, 8 November 2017


Do you know a life of loneliness and one filled with pain,
 living a life with nothing to gain,
 Surrounded by darkness, overwhelmed with shame.
 A life without peace with no one to blame.
 Do you know of a place unseen,
 A place that holds only shattered dreams,
 A place filled with sorrow with no end in sight,
 I am given this gift each and every night.
 Do you know of a place so cold,
 This is the place I call my soul,
 A place without hope or comforting dreams,
 A life not worth living wouldn't it seem.
 Do you know of a life that should have never been,
 And the feeling that today this life has to end.
 One more day of sadness is much too hard to bear,
 I am tired of living a life of heartache and despair.
 Do you know a person with so much pain inside,
 Or the feeling of loneliness when no one hears your cries,
 Maybe when the tears are gone and I can clearly see,
 The only question left will be...

Tuesday, 7 November 2017

my best friend,,my love

My dear CHEP
 It is not a little thing, for centuries we have been talking about it. Or tried, at least. It is the favorite theme in poetry. No one gets tired of it. Love, as it is, always love.
 It's strong. More than just “strong”. Love is indestructible. When it's real, it is indestructible. Love makes us suffer. Nothing in the world brings so much pain as love. It can be tough, cruel. It can tear us apart. It can be the biggest villain of a story. It can be the purest and the hardest pain ever.
 But still, it’s love. And endless or not, it's the most unbelievable thing in human existence.
 I have tried so many times to explain how much I love you. I always end up crying. Perhaps it is because what I feel for you is too big, even for me, to understand. There is no simple or easy way. But loving you has always been natural. Since I met you, I believe that everyone possesses a love that rests within them. A love that sleeps quietly during our childhood years, in anticipation to bloom for that one person. I never realized that I had begun to love you. I realized that I always had.
 You have not just showed me how to love, but also what it means to be loved. You have taught me how to be your other half and still be my own whole. And still, it is impossible for me to explain something as complex as my love for you. Words, are simply not enough.
 This summer it will be four years since our paths brought us together. The time has passed so fast. We often laugh about the fact that we practically grew up together. From one to another (do you remember that?). It is true, though. We did grow up together. And I feel that, somewhere on the road, we grew into each other. Today, I can't tell where your body starts or where mine ends.
 My person. My best friend. My love. Look at me. I have fallen like a complete fool for you. The passion is not gone. It's only softer and calmer now. It has gone into our blood and become a part of who we are. And hey, don't bother worrying about the future. You'll do just fine. I got your back.
 With all the love I possess.



what if

you can keep your head when all about you  Are losing theirs and blaming it on you; If you can trust yourself when all men doubt you,  But ...